The Flame War of Arch Rivals
by One Half Forgotten
Summary: All Kaiba wanted was to finish his taxes. One Shot.


**Title:** The Flame War of Arch Rivals  
**Author:** One Half Forgotten  
**Fandom:** Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters  
**Genre:** Parody  
**Disclaimer!** I'm not old enough to legally own something like a company. So, no, I don't own Yugioh. But if I did, I would put a stop to the production of GX. It's so horrible sobs.

A/N: This is basically a collection of my stupid jokes and musings over the years. Major OOC-ness, but since it's a parody, it's all cool. There's a tiny hint at two odd couples that I wouldn't even consider writing for. I want some feedback but you really have to know what you're talking about. One Shot.

* * *

Seto Kaiba was a world-famous, Duel Monsters prodigy. So, it would be strange for anybody to see this master duelist hunched over his desk, attempting to do his taxes and turn them in on time. His new enemy, the IRS, was holding a sword at his throat; ready to take him for everything he was worth. If that wasn't bad enough, Mokuba had been suspended from school for black mailing one of his classmates. Kaiba had tried to convince the school to overturn the punishment, but those uptight administrators didn't look favorably upon the money that he had offered them. A merry-go-round of curses at the government and the school system circled around in his mind. He heard a knock at the door. He looked up and stared at it for a minute. Whoever it was knocked a second time.

"Go away!" Kaiba shouted, determined to get his taxes finished. He quickly resumed the tedious calculations that had plagued him for the past week. He heard the door open. _'Is this person _deaf_?'_ he asked himself. Hoping that his infamous glare would be enough to scare who ever it was away, he planted his hands on his desk and stood up, with a deep-set scowl on his face. "I told you –." He stopped, surprised to find himself looking into the face of his long-time rival Yugi – _'or is it "Atem"? Him and his split personality. He should be placed in a mental institution!' _"What do you want?" he asked, his scowl deepening. "I told you to go away, didn't I?"

"Yes, but why go back now?" Yugi smiled.

"Yugi, get out!"

"Atem."

"Whatever." It wasn't possible for Kaiba's glare to become any more evil looking. "Just leave!"

"Why should I?" Atem asked innocently. Kaiba narrowed his eyes. _'Burst into flames, burst into flames, BURST INTO FLAMES!'_ his mental voice screamed.

"I'm trying to finish my taxes." Kaiba replied. Atem chuckled.

"I don't have to do taxes," he started, absentmindedly brushing something off his shoulder, "I have diplomatic immunity."

"Aughhhhh!! That doesn't even make sense!" Kaiba yelled, grating his teeth at how stupid he was. "Leave! NOW!"

Atem crossed his arms and pouted. "Make me!" He was acting extremely childish, and his behavior was stabbing at Kaiba's nerves, fueling his nasty temper.

"Fine! I will!" he shouted. Kaiba plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out a card. As if showing a cross to a vampire, he thrust the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon into Atem's face. He hissed, and turned away, shielding himself from the light reflecting off the holo-foil. Kaiba laughed triumphantly. "I've beaten you!"

"You think so?" Atem said. He stuck his hand deep in his own pocket, and pulled out a brown plush toy. He threw it at Kaiba, but it hit the ultra-rare card, instead. The Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon fluttered to the floor.

"No! My precious . . ." Kaiba cried out in a high-pitched, raspy voice. He picked up his dragon, along with the plush toy, which happened to be a "cute" fuzz ball. "What the –." He waved the little Kuriboh in Atem's face. "Is this a joke?" he asked, feeling extremely insulted.

Atem chuckled. "Looks like the Blue Eyes has been beaten by a Kuriboh!"

"I can beat you in Duel Monsters, any day!" Kaiba retorted.

"You can't even beat me in a karaoke contest!"

"Just because you can sing "My Heart Will Go On" on key doesn't mean you're a better duelist than me!" Atem didn't reply. Instead, he reached in his pocket and pulled out yet another plush Kuriboh, and chucked it at Kaiba. The stupid toy hit him in the face. More from shock than the force behind the plushie, Kaiba fell backwards over his desk. It didn't take long for him to recover. He was back on his feet in no time; a bruise was forming around his right eye. "Where on earth are you getting those things?" Kaiba shouted.

"They Multiply. Duh!" he replied.

"Well, at least I didn't get drunk at that party last week and throw up in my girl friend's hair!" Kaiba shot nastily.

"First of all, you don't even have a girl friend!" Atem scoffed. "Second, Tea's not my girlfriend. I'm engaged to Ishizu. And third, you _did_ get drunk, and for the rest of the night you were convinced that you were the Dark Magician!"

"What?! I thought Ishizu loved _me_!" Kaiba howled.

"How could you possibly see that working out?" Atem asked. Kaiba ignored him.

"And that thing about the Dark Magician is a lie!"

"You were wearing purple armor, carrying a staff, and pretending to attack people!" Atem replied. "Dar . . . Mag-hic-Attack!" he added, in a mock-impression of a drunk Kaiba. Atem attempted to keep a straight face, but he was failing miserably. "You need a new brain."

"Well, at least I have a brain! Yours is M.I.A. under that massive amount of hair on your head."

"Hey! Leave the hair out of this!"

"Oh, hit a nerve, have we?" Kaiba said, smiling malevolently. Atem scowled.

"You're a pompous, arrogant jerk!"

"At least I have the skills to back it up!"

"Are you kidding? And I've beaten you how many times?" Atem asked incredulously.

"Look who's talking about being arrogant." Kaiba countered.

"I hate you, Kaiba! I hate you with an all-consuming passion!"

The great Seto Kaiba began to blubber. "Why does everybody say that?" he asked through racking sobs. _'Oh no, I can't be crying. I'm supposed to be cold and unfeeling – or angry.'_ Kaiba thought. He tried to wipe his eyes and regain his wicked scowl at the same time, his countenance turning into one of those expressions you find on the faces of cheesy, anime muscle heads. "Atem . . . Yugi . . . whoever you are, I hate you even more!!"

"But everyone loves me!" Tears started rolling down his face.

"Well guess what: I don't!" Kaiba declared, flecks of saliva flying out of his mouth. Atem gasped and stomped out of the room, howling the whole way. The door slammed shut behind him.

Kaiba started looking around. "Where are those darn tissues?" he asked aloud. He froze when he heard Atem stomping back down the hall_. 'Why's he coming back?'_ he asked himself. The door flew open with a bang, and there he stood, fire burning in his wet eyes. He dug in his pocket and pulled out another plush toy, but this time it was in the likeness of Exodia. He hurled it at Kaiba. Exodia the Forbidden One flew fast through the air and hit him square in the left eye. Atem sprinted out of the room and down the hall, declaring, "I win again!", leaving the Mighty Seto Kaiba wailing like a five-year-old with a bad boo-boo.


End file.
